“Why Do You Hate Blondes?” and Other Reasons Why My Brother Is My Greatest Source of Annoyance…Er, Literary Inspiration

How’s it going?

My brother has this way to take the most innocuous thing and turn it into the most horrifying thing you can imagine, with just a few tweaks. Case in point is the title of this post, actually.

For the record, I do not hate anyone at all, or anyone based on their hair color. This came up because of the fact that I told my brother that I feel less of an attraction to women with blonde hair. I did realize that when he said what he did, I could have been perceived as being prejudiced, for sure, which made me think about things (which also made me realize I have emphasized hair color when I shouldn’t have).

And for the further record, nearly 100% of blond folks (of either gender) were nice to me, intelligent, and fun to be around.

I tend to think of hair color like fruit, actually–I like lots of different kinds, but I like cherries the best. Does that mean apples and bananas are on the outs, or are any less because of that? No.

Let’s get to it for today (even though we already have). My brother does things like the blonde thing to razz me, mostly (and because that’s a lot easier for him to do than most anyone on earth).

But I have to admit he’s awesome to be around. We’d been talking to a group of friends one time (we have a lot of the same friends), and we have a blast when we do, for sure. Because of that, I asked my brother why we didn’t have a larger group to hang out with if we’re so fun to be around. After naming a few people in the group who probably thought it was a blast to hang out with us, he said:

“We’re selective about who we show our god-like powers to. Not everyone can approach the burning bush, you know?”

See what I mean?

He does this thing where he’ll ask me some ridiculous question like “Is that you peeing in the sink again?” if I’m running water in the kitchen. Then he’ll do this strange voice that’s supposed to be me, and say “Objection Your Honor, this question is forked!” (Meaning you’d look guilty whether you answered yes or no–I think he told me that it’s based on some logic fallacy called the two horns of the bull, or two-horned fallacy, or something–where you pick which horn you want to be gored by).

Other reasons why I sometimes think I’m fortunate to be me:

My brother is an expert on a lot of things. That includes things like ancient and modern weapons, warfare, social commentary, and persuasion (even though I don’t think he’s studied the last two, officially). And if he doesn’t know the answer (which is rare), he hangs out with people who do, or can find out. He’s always looking at drawings, cartoons, and movies about weapons and military stuff and telling me what they did wrong (bullet amount, weapon handling, or what-have-ya).

We have a lot of hilarious bits we do. I quote a lot of things, lots of the time (so much so that when I got banned, people I know picked up the slack for me). I can start a quote, and he’ll finish it (although, lately he finishes it with “no” to emphasize that I need new material). He can finish things like:

“The question is…” (“will you commit yourself to this program?”–not exact, The Bourne Ultimatum)

“Are you eating a doughnut?” (too long for here–Rizzoli and Isles)

“This is the part…” (“where we blow up!”–Toy Story)

“I won’t stop…” (“even if I have to sacrifice my life!”–Soul Calibur III)

And on and on we go (even though he sometimes changes “me” or “you” in a quote to “I” or “his” like in the SC III quote from Siegfried). We also had this huge stint a long time ago with the Lucky Charms leprechaun that was pretty funny–but that was one of those weird things where if you weren’t there at the beginning, you may not get it.

He does a hilarious job of mocking me (in addition to all our bits). See above, with the forked thing. He also knows how I’ll react to nearly everything, and even does the sound-alike of me I mentioned before if he thinks I’ll say something or other, like “how dare you accurately portray what I’m thinking”).

Maybe you have someone like that in your life–at least I hope you do. A hilarious family member, or friend (or in my case, maybe both).

Use what sticks out about them for character sketches, plots, and more. Slip in a story about them in your emails and what-have-ya for clients, or yourself.

Anyhow, the next time I show up will probably be Triple F. Be sure to swing by.

Until next time,



About Ty Mall

Thanks for stopping by. I've almost always been interested in writing, among other things. Along with discovering pop culture, I've uncovered a lot about the craft over the past 10 years. And whether you're a fiction writer or email copywriter, I'm here to pass on what I've found out. And have a ton of fun in the process.
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